Body Language Tricks That Make You Instantly Likable
You send people signals all day, without paying attention to
them. The way you move your eyes, the way you shake a hand and so on. There are
things you can do to send subconscious signals using body language that
make people like you better, or at least give you the benefit of the
doubt. Whenever I discuss techniques like these there are always one or
two people who feel uncomfortable with ‘influencing’ someone with psychological
tricks.
Manipulation is not negative
- Influencing
is changing someone’s behavior or mind
- Manipulation
is intentionally influencing
When you hear the word manipulation, you may immediately
think of negative things. Please don’t.
Manipulation is not bad. People with bad intentions are bad.
Example 1: Manipulative sneaky person
Bad people are bad. Bad people who manipulate are
problematic. An example of this:
- Mean
Girl wants to reduce the social standing of Sweet Classmate
- She
tells the other classmate this person did something horrible
- The
class likes Sweet Classmate less
- Sweet Classmate feels sad now
Example 2: Friendly manipulation
Manipulation can make everyone in a situation better off.
- Party
Person is an experienced manipulator
- Party
Person bumps into another person
- Party
Person smiles disarmingly and apologizes, even though the other
person was wrong
- Party
Person doesn’t get into a fight and has a great night
The problem with the Mean Girl example is not the
manipulation, the problem is bad intentions and lying.
My request: Have good intentions
I’m assuming you will use these tricks with good intentions.
Please do so.
Section 1: Attitude & body language
The human mind is judgmental, it’s what it does. It is what
kept us alive during evolution. We make judgments in split
seconds:
- Is
this person a threat?
- Is
this person attractive?
- Is
this person useful to my (social) survival?
Pay attention to this instinct, but never act on it without
knowing the person better. The tricks below will trigger you to behave in ways
that are perceived well.
This section is not strictly about body language, but these
attitudes will subconsciously influence your body language.
Feel secure and project confidence
This one is so important it requires its own article,
and you can never do this 100% of the time. Plus, there are certainly
cases where not seeming confident can gain you likability points, but on
average, the above holds true.
There are two things to consider with this point:
- Try
to remove things that make you uncomfortable
- For
me bad skin was an issue, which I solved like this
- Another
was clothing choice, which I solved by bringing along a girl when
shopping
- Train
yourself to help you feel secure
- I
learned a lot from self-help audiobooks I downloaded
- For
me staying in shape helped a lot. Read the 4 Hour Body or
its summary
Everyone is a friend, unless proven otherwise
Why burn bridges before you’ve made them in the first place?
It makes no sense:
- You
have everything to gain
- You
have nothing to lose
You will notice soon enough if this person would/wants to be
a good friend.
Everyone deserves respect, unless proven otherwise
Again, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by
treating people with respect. That doesn’t mean you should kiss boots all
day; it means you shouldn’t dismiss anyone or make them feel unimportant.
Like everybody, until they don’t deserve it
Strangers deserve to have the benefit of the doubt. In our
world anyone can be anything, without looking like it. I’ve met douchebags
who looked kind and billionaires that behaved like excited children. Look
at the cover of the book, but read a few pages before judging.
Neither the douchebag or billionaire are ‘better’ than each
other. But being around one made me feel unhappy, and the other made me
feel gusto and enthusiasm.
Always think about what you can do for others
When you meet someone, don’t think ‘what can they do for
me?’ but rather ‘what can I do for them?’ Helping people is the best way to
make them want to help you, and everybody wins.
Note that I’m not saying you should give
unsolicited advice to make yourself seem smart. Help people if you
genuinely and truly believe this person’s life would be better with the
knowledge/help/contact that you can offer.
Offer help, but don’t insist. Keep it short and let them
decide.
Section 2: Posture
Your body is constantly signaling the people you
meet. Posture influences the snap second judgement people make about
you, but also what you think about yourself. In addition, proper posture is
good for your back, what’s not to like?
Stand up straight, but relaxed
To find positive posture, try the following:
- Stand
with your feet as wide as your hips
- Make
yourself as tall as possible, imagine being pulled up by the top of your
head
- Now
keep that feeling of being tall but relax your shoulders
- Relax
your neck and angle your head so you don’t have to look up or down
to look an average person in the eyes
Some tips:
- Relax as
much as possible while maintaining your posture
- Don’t
puff your chest, it should be flat as if you are lying on a
floor
- Pull
your shoulders back very slightly
Sit up straight, but not rigid
When you start sitting up straight, you will notice how
small most people make themselves. You will instantly feel quite tall when
sitting at a table. Keep your back straight, but relax as much as possible.
Always have some tension in your core
Your abs, back and general core should never
be flaccid/floppy when you stand or sit. Keep your abs and core in general
under some tension. Not only does it reflect well upon your posture, but it
also makes it easier to move with grace.
Position your feet at about hip width apart
The stance of your feet says a lot about you. It’s not an
exact science, but putting your feet closer together generally signifies
insecurity, whereas a wider stance indicates confidence.
Both holding your feet too close together and too far apart
can reflect badly upon you. Try to aim for a position where your feet are at
hip width or slightly wider apart, but not much.
Section 3: Entering a Room
The moment you enter a room is the moment you expose
yourself to the judgement of the people in that room. Make sure to make
use of that.
Some would recommend more extreme techniques like peacocking,
but that doesn’t apply to all situations.
Smile like you are happy to be there
Regardless of whether you are, smile when you enter a room.
Smile like you really like what you are seeing. Don’t overdo it, don’t laugh
out loud. Smile like you stepped outside and noticed the sun was shining.
Greet the crowd
Not explicitly. Don’t shout “HEY!” or draw explicit
attention unless these are people who appreciate such behavior. Otherwise take a
moment to stand still or walk slowly while looking at the people in the room.
- Make
eye contact
Don’t glance over the crowd like it’s an object. Look
people in the eye and if anyone holds your gaze smile at them. Make people feel
like a positive influence just entered this room.
- Take
your time
This shows confidence, but also signifies an open attitude.
Wave to (imaginary) friends
Humans are hard-wired to like and/or respect people with
friends. When you walk into a room and do your usual ‘greet the crowd’ routine,
follow it up by waving to your friends and mouthing something along the lines
of “I’ll be right there”.
Here’s the thing, feel free to do this to imaginary friends.
I do this all the time at bigger events. Keep in mind that people
don’t see 360 degrees. If you wave to a non-existent person behind them
they don’t know you are just waving to empty air.
This has a number of effects:
- People
assume you know people
- You
have more time to calmly look around
- You
will feel more confident
The trick here is to do this in full confidence, don’t
timidly wave. Wave like your best friend is across the room and you are trying
to communicate to them that you’ll be there soon.
Section 4: The Handshake
Use a firm but gentle handshake
Men, especially, are sensitive to the way you shake a hand.
A weak or ‘dead fish’ handshake will instantly lose you likability points.
- Don’t
just ‘offer’ your hand, a handshake is teamwork
- Use the
pressure you would use to grab the stick of a heavy pan
- If a
person is offering you a ‘dead fish’ handshake, don’t squeeze too hard
Make eye contact as you shake hands
Looking away automatically signifies negative things:
- You
don’t have attention/respect for the other person
- You
have something to hide
Look into someone’s eyes long enough to memorize their eye
color. Don’t stare, just observe for a moment.
Smile like they made your day
When looking into someone’s eyes during the shake, smile as
if you saw something in their eyes that makes you happy.
Don’t laugh out loud, just smile.
Section 5: Positioning
How and where you position yourself makes a difference in
how you are perceived. Positioning combined with posture is very powerful.
Open your stance
When you are talking to someone, position your body in such
a way that you are open to them. Preferably position yourself in a ‘vulnerable’
way. Don’t cover your chest with your arms, don’t slouch etc. This
signifies trust and comfort.
Angle yourself towards the person you are speaking to
It is a subtle change, but making sure that your body is
‘pointing’ to your conversational partner makes a difference. Angling away can
signify fearfulness, insecurity and mistrust.
Don’t lean on or against objects
Leaning on/against an object (e.g. a wall) signifies
passivity and possibly insecurity. Whenever you can stand up with good posture.
Using the tips from the posture section, try to develop a comfortable ‘neutral
stance’.
When you do lean, use posture
If you do have to lean against something for whatever
reason, keep good posture. Don’t slouch.
Section 6: Your Face
Your face is an area with a lot of signaling. In fact, there
is a lot of research into micro expressions people make
subconsciously. People project a lot of information without knowing it. You can
use your face to signal information about yourself to people.
Make your neutral face a happy face
Ever heard of ‘resting bitch face syndrome’? Some people
claim their face at rest looks annoyed/angry, which makes people perceive
them as a social danger. You preferably wouldn’t talk to a person with that
kind of an expression on their face.
It says nothing about the actual person though. But it does
disadvantage them.
Make sure that your face at rest (e.g. when you are working
on a laptop) looks relaxed, if not happy. An easy trick is to have a look
on your face like something is mildly amusing to you.
Don’t break eye contact instantly
People have a habit of looking away if they meet a person’s
eyes. Try not to do this. Keep eye contact, and smile. Often people will
look away, though some people will hold your gaze.
Doing this has multiple effects:
- People
perceive you as more open
- You
will feel more confident
Please note that when you hold someone’s gaze, be sure
to smile. Looking impassively can be very creepy…
How to smile
There is a very simple trick to smiling: imagine you are
seeing something you really like.
Smiling is not about moving your face in a certain way, it
is about feeling a happy feeling and letting your face express it.
Read more about how to smile in this Buffer article.
Section 7: Techniques and habits
Here I cover some things you can do that often involve some
measure of interaction with your conversational/communication data.
Mirror your posture
A powerful technique that has been researched a lot is
mirroring. This means people feel more comfortable around you and like you
better if you stand the way they do. For example:
- They
have their arms crossed? Cross your arms
- They
are leaning on their right leg? Lean on your right leg
- Are
they holding a drink? Hold a drink
The key here is not to be obvious. The moment they notice
consciously what you are doing, the technique loses power.
Mirror movements
As with the above point, you shouldn’t be obvious. But
little things can go a long way:
- You
are having a coffee, they pick up their cup to drink? Do the same
- If
they smile, smile back (that’s an easy one)
- Are
they stepping a bit closer to you? Do the same
Again, don’t be obvious and don’t be a creep. This technique
should be used in an unobtrusive manner, but frequently.
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