9 Signs You're Dealing With an Emotional Manipulator
By TRAVIS BRADBERRY
Emotional manipulators
defy logic. They derive satisfaction from controlling you and creating chaos.
We all know what it feels like
to be emotionally manipulated. It can be extremely effective, which is why some
unscrupulous individuals do it so much.
A few years ago, Facebook, in
conjunction with researchers from Cornell and the University of California,
conducted an experiment in which they intentionally played with the emotions of
689,000 users by manipulating their feeds so that some users only saw negative
stories while others only saw positive stories. Sure enough, when these people
posted their own updates, they were greatly influenced by the mood of the posts
they’d been shown.
Facebook caught a lot of flak
over the experiment, primarily because none of the “participants” gave their
consent to join the study. Perhaps more frightening than Facebook’s faux pas
was just how easily people’s emotions were manipulated. After all, if Facebook
can manipulate your emotions just by tweaking your newsfeed, imagine how much
easier this is for a real, live person who knows your weaknesses and triggers.
A skilled emotional manipulator can destroy your self-esteem and even make you
question your sanity.
It’s precisely because emotional
manipulation can be so destructive that it’s important for you to recognize it
in your own life. It’s not as easy as you might think, because emotional
manipulators are typically very skillful. They start out with subtle
manipulation and raise the stakes over time, so slowly that you don’t even
realize it’s happening. Fortunately, emotional manipulators are easy enough to
spot if you know what to look for.
1. They undermine your faith
in your grasp of reality.
Emotional manipulators are
incredibly skilled liars. They insist an incident didn’t happen when it did,
and they insist they did or said something when they didn’t. The trouble is
they’re so good at it that you end up questioning your own sanity. To insist
that whatever caused the problem is a figment of your imagination is an
extremely powerful way of getting out of trouble.
2. Their actions don’t match
their words.
Emotional manipulators will tell
you what you want to hear, but their actions are another story. They pledge
their support, but, when it comes time to follow through, they act as though
your requests are entirely unreasonable. They tell you how lucky they are to
know you, and then act as though you’re a burden. This is just another way of
undermining your belief in your own sanity. They make you question reality as
you see it and mold your perception according to what is convenient to them.
3. They are experts at doling
out guilt.
Emotional manipulators are
masters at leveraging your guilt to their advantage. If you bring up something
that’s bothering you, they make you feel guilty for mentioning it. If you
don’t, they make you feel guilty for keeping it to yourself and stewing on it.
When you’re dealing with emotional manipulators, whatever you do is wrong, and,
no matter what problems the two of you are having, they’re your fault.
4. They claim the role of the
victim.
When it comes to emotional
manipulators, nothing is ever their fault. No matter what they do -- or fail to
do -- it’s someone else’s fault. Someone else made them do it -- and, usually,
it’s you. If you get mad or upset, it’s your fault for having unreasonable
expectations; if they get mad, it’s your fault for upsetting them. Emotional
manipulators don’t take accountability for anything.
5. They are too much, too
soon.
Whether it’s a personal relationship
or a business relationship, emotional manipulators always seem to skip a few
steps. They share too much too soon -- and expect the same from you. They
portray vulnerability and sensitivity, but it’s a ruse. The charade is intended
to make you feel “special” for being let into their inner circle, but it’s also
intended to make you feel not just sorry for them but also responsible for
their feelings.
6. They are an emotional
black hole.
Whatever emotional manipulators
are feeling, they’re geniuses at sucking everyone around them into those
emotions. If they’re in a bad mood, everyone around them knows it. But that’s
not the worst part: they’re so skillful that, not only is everyone aware of
their mood, they feel it too. This creates a tendency for people to feel
responsible for the manipulator’s moods and obliged to fix them.
7. They eagerly agree to help
-- and maybe even volunteer -- then act like a martyr.
An initial eagerness to help
swiftly morphs into sighs, groans and suggestions that whatever they
agreed to do is a huge burden. And, if you shine a spotlight on that
reluctance, they’ll turn it around on you, assuring you that, of course, they
want to help and that you’re just being paranoid. The goal? To make you feel
guilty, indebted and maybe even crazy.
8. They always one-up you.
No matter what problems you may
have, emotional manipulators have it worse. They undermine the legitimacy of
your complaints by reminding you that their problems are more serious. The
message? You have no reason to complain, so shut the heck up.
9. They know all your buttons
and don’t hesitate to push them.
Emotional manipulators know your
weak spots, and they’re quick to use that knowledge against you. If you’re
insecure about your weight, they comment on what you eat or the way your
clothes fit; if you’re worried about an upcoming presentation, they point out
how intimidating and judgmental the attendees are. Their awareness of
your emotions is off the charts, but they use it to manipulate you,
not to make you feel better.
Overcoming Manipulation
Emotional manipulators drive you
crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it --
their behavior truly goes against reason, so why do you allow yourself to
respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?
The more irrational and off-base
someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their
traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them
emotionally, and approach your interactions with them like they’re a science
project (or you’re their shrink if you prefer that analogy). You don’t need to
respond to the emotional chaos -- only the facts.
Maintaining an emotional
distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your
buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find
yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way
forward. This is fine, and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to
do so.
Most people feel as though
because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve identified a manipulator,
you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand.
This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up
with them and when and where you don’t.
You can establish boundaries, but
you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen
naturally, you’re bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult
conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a
difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick
to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to cross them,
which they will.
Bringing It All Together
Emotional manipulators can undermine your sense of who you
are and even make you doubt your own sanity. Remember: Nobody can manipulate
you without your consent and cooperation.
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